Glo

As some of you know, I was YOUR Miss Anambra State in the 2017 Miss Nigerian USA pageant. I can be totally honest now that it’s over. My REAL initial reaction upon receiving that letter earlier this year, stating that I was one of the contestants was “Oh s**t! What was I thinking?? I can’t do this!” I remember that night like it was yesterday, I couldn’t sleep! I didn’t want to tell ANYONE because I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to go through with it. The first person that I opened up to about it (We’ll call him Fred lol) knew because he sensed something was wrong. If you know me, you know I don’t play with sleep (I can’t even if I tried). I don’t lose sleep for NOTHING, unless it’s really weighing me down or I’m in a writers high and can’t put my pen down. I’m telling you, 11 o’clock and it’s LIGHTS OUT for me! I’m not a night owl (even if you catch me out, just know some serious naps were taken beforehand and that still may not be enough to keep my eyes open after midnight. NO BOOST! People that know me can attest to this.) So, “Fred” knew something was wrong and kind of pressed me about it until I finally opened up. He was happy for me, but I was SCARED!

Anyway, a little encouragement from the very FEW people I decided to tell helped a lot. Once I got through that phase of fear, then came the actual announcement. Once I did that, I KNEW it was a done deal. I had to follow through, not just for the sake of others, but for myself. What I didn’t know, was the many curve balls life was going to throw at me. You see, God has a funny way of shaping you. At the time, it wasn’t funny AT ALL, in fact I’m STILL recovering from some; and if you’re a control freak like me, you will disobey a few times   until you finally have no choice but to comply. I decided to release all control, then came the process of allowing Him to mold me. Looking back, I now have a different perspective.

Now I’m going to be honest,  because I believe that in order to grow and be the best version of yourself, you  HAVE TO BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF AT ALL TIMES!  Through this journey, I lost my identity, I lost my self-control( violence is never the answer by the way, that’s all I will say about that situation lol), I lost money (this one hurt the most honestly lol) , I lost people that I love SO much, I lost weight (not complaining though lol), Hell, I damn near LOST my mind!

I’ll tell you how God is funny…

Even in all this LOSING, I was WINNING, but I didn’t realize it until now…

In my previous blog post called “Revelations”(go read it if you haven’t already!). I made a statement of how I was going to start off the new year, saying “Here’s to being scared as s**t, but still doing it anyway.” (mind you, my letter of acceptance came a few days after writing that post).  Boy I tell ya, the power of pen and paper is REAL!

I gained love and support from areas I never would have imagined. I gained a better sense of myself,  I’ve gained skills that help me to acquire MO’ MONEY! And ofcourse, I’ve always had this but…my  family lawd! God bless their hearts watching me in my 50 shades of disarray, especially my mom. My world would be falling apart before my eyes, and I STILL wouldn’t open up to that woman. All because I didn’t want her worrying about me; but you haven’t seen anything until you’ve seen a true African woman pray for her child! I’m telling you, she is a true PRAYER WARRIOR!  I aspire to have the strength and faith that she does! I’m a product of that woman’s prayers!

From all this, the most important thing I can say that I’ve gained is ….

Self Love.

It brings tears to my eyes when I look back and realize how I have ALLOWED myself to be misused and mistreated.   Now, I can’t recall a time in my life where I wanted myself more than  I’ve wanted anyone else than now. Peace of mind is the most amazing feeling in this world. No amount of money can make me give it up (Well…lol jk)! I didn’t realize how important it was to really LOOK at myself in the mirror. It’s one thing to be pretty, but it’s another thing to truly know the essence of your beauty.

Know yourself!

I know what all it took for me to get here. Crazy thing is… I have yet to even touch the SURFACE of where God is leading me. I no longer look ahead in fear because God brought me to THIS exact point, and… well, I ain’t dead yet!

I just want anyone reading this to know that God is real and He is willing to give you the desires of your heart. You just have to be ready and willing to give up all control and LISTEN! You never know, what you may THINK you want may be much smaller than what God has in store for you!  Ask yourself, are you willing to let go and let God mold you into the person you’re meant to become?

I could literally write for days, but I’ll spare you all. This post is long already, but just ponder on that question…

Until next time.

I’ll end the way I always end in my diary, saying…

“God is my strength.”

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