Loud Mind

Am I seriously just a pretty face with a huge heart? Is love and beauty all I have to offer? Like why is it so hard for me to look past love? 

    I’ve been leaning so hard on my emotions, but now that it’s winding down, what else do I have to fall back on? What do I stand for? What the hell do I want? Is it the fairy tale idea of him or the reality that a relationship is actually going to be hard? Why can’t I open my mouth and speak on the truth that consumes my mind? What am I afraid of?Maybe I should step back. Because in all honesty, I don’t know him. I mean I feel like I do, but that’s the love in me that’s telling me this truth. I can’t seem to see past it as it moves. I see my love consumed all over. But who the hell am I loving? He could be a demon and I’d see an angel. It’s like he’s teaching me how to be with him, but I’m so wrapped up in not scaring him away. I’m tired of feeling like I’m making excuses for everything. 

    I’m a walking contradiction. I talk about how I want trust and honesty, and now that it’s right in front of me, I don’t know what to do with it. It’s like I fear the truth. Why? Am I doubting myself? What do I have to lose? I’m holding back a lot. The inability to use my words is taking a toll on me. Is this really how I want my life to be? Cause no matter how hard I think I’m trying, he sees right through me.

    God, is this one going to leave me too? I know I ask for signs, but I’m not sure if I really want to know the truth. He sees the things that the others failed to see. Or at least that’s what I think because through him, I’m learning so much more about me. Lend me your eyes Lord. Protect me from what I can not see; because for some reason, my love keeps blinding me.

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